Changing present

November 9, 2017

I’m moving gently, slower. Everything I touch feels cold and fragile, and my touch is tender, almost wary. It’s like everything is brittle and I’m afraid of breaking it, or I’m afraid I myself be the one to break.

A. left again. She had to, she needed to. Too many things going on in her life, things I don’t even know properly about. Too many people, too many projects, too important a dream. One new, important, special person that she’s already found, just weeks into this country. Of course she would’ve, being as gregarious and free-living as she is.. things that come to her both naturally and acquired over the years. After her past, she wanted to be very specific and careful about who she got into a relationship with, someone who wouldn’t leave, someone she was attracted to, someone she saw a future with, concretely. It makes perfect sense.

That means I fall to the wayside. Of course I would’ve, there’s only so much you can balance, there’s only so much energy you can distribute. And there’s only one person who gets your most intimate, most deep self, and that’s not me anymore. Before it was, maybe, just a bit. But certainly not now. And she doesn’t even have the time. So I lose her. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve done the same, so how can I even fault her for that, or throw blame or judgement or… anything? It’s just not in my hands.

I figured that, coming here into this country, we would only get closer. I was looking forward to it, I was confident it would happen. It’s been the opposite though. And now the inevitable — out of sight, out of mind. So I couldn’t help but just sit and weep, get it out and off of me…

Maybe this is all I get. This quiet, small life. Living in a shared house with others who don’t really know me. Studying, walking, cooking and eating, all by myself, with small shared conversations here and there. The cold air and the chilly wind. An uncertain future and career. Some books, the trees, and the greenery. The students huddled around each other, chatting or walking off to classes. The families walking their dogs in the park. The couples holding hands and heading off to/from a bar. The streets, the smells, the daily sounds and the infinite silences. Maybe it doesn’t get beyond this and this is what my life stays at. I am too small and feeble to have drastic control. And people shouldn’t be controlled, they should be left free. So maybe I just need to make peace with what I have, and stop expecting anything more. Savor everything possible, and then let go. To keep trying to expand and improve my life where I can, yes, but throwing my expectations out the window. I am too small and feeble.

Northern Skies just keeps running through my head. I have it on my phone and mp3 player non-stop, whether I’m studying or cooking or walking. This was the song I started a conversation with M. the last year — back then the song was literal to me, about places, with the peaceful, pictuesque, sombre video and that gentle instrumental section at the end. Now it’s more, it’s about people and things and everything else. It all goes away. I need to be okay with that. I need to make friends with aloneness and silence. After all, we come from dust and return to dust, literally.


One Response to “Changing present”

  1. Infer Says:

    Your writing has something profound… it makes me feel at peace despite everything..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: