Loss and mourning

November 4, 2017

I am still struggling to move on and move past the two close relationships I’ve had at the ripe old age of 29.

My first was last year. It lasted two months, albeit it got serious quickly — we were both novices + wanted mostly the same things. She had difficulty trusting because of her childhood; I had difficulty respecting boundaries because of mine. She pulled the plug from anxiety and distanced herself… After a period of denial, I got distraught and tried to lean on her, she distanced herself further, I got distraught further… in a few weeks she stopped trying to talk to me, and in a few months she stopped responding as well and obliterated me from her life. Meanwhile I reflected on my mistakes with my therapist, grew and learnt past some of the fundamental ones and tried to communicate, but no luck, I just received absolute blame. I was just a ghost to her. It was, emotionally, truly like losing family or a spouse, in the worst way possible — cut off and blamed for the cutoff. You’re so despicable and lowly that the person you care for the most will leave you and they will blame you for it too.

I still had to come across her everyday for other reasons. No wonder I had to deal with intense daily anxiety, grief, taking up smoking, and suicidal tendencies for about 8 months before I was exhausted and just quit. I finally got some semblance of sanity back, but kept on grieving, mourning, the frequency coming down with time but never completely gone.

This past summer I lucked into someone else I got along with. She was in a different city so all we could do was text, aside from one chance dinner when she was in town. It was nothing official or set. But again, quickly I became used to her and started to lean on her for emotional support and outlet, daily, and she on me. We were both going to the same new country soon for studies and had planned to meet up there and see what happens. I left 2 weeks earlier, then waited for her to arrive, kept in touch. She arrived, and… quickly stopped engaging as much, changed. Busy. New life, new people, new place, important chapter. I was hurt, fights ensued, she was bewildered by my behavior. I took some distance to heal while she graciously gave me space. And now, even though we talk, it’s just not the same. The emotional connection isn’t there anymore and she’s a different person now, we just talk about superficial things. I’m back again, lonely and still trying to form friends and bonds, while she’s made hers and is investing more into them. So I’m back to grieving what was and is now no more, back to that familiar, constant place of 15 years, of loss and loneliness.

Why this sense of emptiness? Why this level of emotional dependence? It’s so easy to pass it off as just another random complex, another bewildering insecurity, but it’s not. This is what you get when you’ve had a childhood of going quiet and being afraid of your carer’s outbursts and threats and physical harm. When you stop talking at home after being named ‘parrot’. When can’t really be yourself, you can’t share your true thoughts in your family, never have, because it was mocked, dismissed, belittled or repeatedly questioned by your parent, while the other one felt too helpless or confused to do anything. When you got paralyzed into silence when a full-bodied chair was held up as a threat to hit you to keep you from crying. When you couldn’t form a solid emotional bond with your siblings because they were just as clueless, learned and internalized the same quietness to the point it’s just their personality trait now. When you’re held to high expectations and blamed, face agression instead of support, when you fail, even on random life trials (because they’re, supposedly, not random). You learn to go quiet and shut up and keep to yourself, you rely on yourself only, that’s the only way you learn to manage. You lose a lot still, you miss out a lot of lessons and lifeskills still, because you only had you and no-one else to learn from. And then when someone actually comes into your life that seems reliable emotional support, one that you can count on into the future, have a sense of stability and belonging with… you lose them too. Back again by your lonesome, with no one to count on. It seems to be your fate — you lose people, at least emotionally, because you’re too dependent, but you’re too dependent because you’ve lost people, at least emotionally, when you really needed them growing up. You grieve intensely and have difficulty moving on. It’s a constant state of sadness and emptiness which harms you further because no one wants to be friends with a sad person.

By now my therapist is missing too. We were supposed to resume collaboration this month after we had both relocated but I haven’t heard from her. I tried contacting but no response. I’m thinking of finally going to the university’s counselling centre and getting some kind of emotional support, it’s worth a shot. It is, after all, childhood emotional neglect and emotional abuse aftereffects that you’re reeling from, now almost into your thirties.

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She

October 23, 2016

She’s back and still around.

I think I may have another chance.

Not romance, no. Just to have her in my life again.

I feel happy about it.


Sold

December 31, 2015

I was never quite the social guy. I never really knew why, though. I wanted to talk to you so many times. Walk up to you and just chat away, like an everyday triviality. Make you smile, make you laugh. Make myself smile.

Except I couldn’t. I stammered, and blanked, and paused, and thought, and ahed and ummed till you were gone.

You weren’t just one — there were many of you through my life. I failed every time, with each one.

Unless maybe it was through a man made device. There, you would think I’m fairly normal, sociable. But I even blew that as well.

Now, my time has come. That part, that phase of my life, it is lost and will forever haunt me. I am chained.

And He, I think — He ruined me. I didn’t even know uptil now when He ruined me again.

Goodbye. I never matched up anyway.


Some new shit

December 14, 2015

…after quite some time. Thank the lord for technology!