November 8, 2017

This place was active from ’10 to ’13 as I, an angry young student back then, ranted about life and talked music/art. A few years later, things have changed — I’m less angry, less judgmental, and just plain old, really. ‘Adult-life’ has arrived, and so wages a new conflict between old dreams and growing up.

Here is where I sketch out my thoughts & memories about this phase of life and mix it up with fiction. All intertwined into each other and indiscernible, and you get to watch. Anything & Everything.



January 4, 2018

It’s so disheartening and mournful to been seen as inferior by those you considered friends and companions. Family is one thing, you didn’t choose where you were born. But when people you chose to have you in your life see you, explicitly or implicitly, as “less”, it really hurts. After all this time spent together, they can’t see where you come from. They can’t see your struggles and what you’ve been through, had to endure. To them you’re just “lazy”, “don’t make an effort” to change your life. What you are right now, where you are, it’s not enough for them, you need to be “more”. When your issues act up and cause them hurt, it’s… unforgivable for them. Even after you reflect and apologize. How powerless that renders you. How much you grieve. All your good sides gone to the gutter, you were just your bad, difficult sides, nothing more.


January 4, 2018

When the hateful words have been said, when the trust has been broken, there might not ever be a way of making it better. Some people just don’t care about you anymore. Some people write you out of their lives and gladly never look back. Some simply choose not to forgive, not wanting to let the person “off the hook”. And some just don’t have to capacity to let go of the pain.

Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. People have the right to hold on to the hurt as long as they choose. Most of us have done some terrible things and forgiveness is just not an option for those we’ve hurt.

When we, as the “wrongdoers” are not granted restitution for our mistakes, we have to accept this. If we’ve been honest with our part in the errors we’ve made, asked humbly for forgiveness and offered to do whatever we can to make it better, we’ve done all we can do. If our loved one cannot or will not accept our request, we can go no further. We’re drunks, not Superheroes.

source: http://jenny-defx.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/when-im-sorry-is-not-enough.html


January 2, 2018

Putting this here as a permanent reminder of sorts.




Changing present

November 9, 2017

I’m moving gently, slower. Everything I touch feels cold and fragile, and my touch is tender, almost wary. It’s like everything is brittle and I’m afraid of breaking it, or I’m afraid I myself be the one to break.

A. left again. She had to, she needed to. Too many things going on in her life, things I don’t even know properly about. Too many people, too many projects, too important a dream. One new, important, special person that she’s already found, just weeks into this country. Of course she would’ve, being as gregarious and free-living as she is.. things that come to her both naturally and acquired over the years. After her past, she wanted to be very specific and careful about who she got into a relationship with, someone who wouldn’t leave, someone she was attracted to, someone she saw a future with, concretely. It makes perfect sense.

That means I fall to the wayside. Of course I would’ve, there’s only so much you can balance, there’s only so much energy you can distribute. And there’s only one person who gets your most intimate, most deep self, and that’s not me anymore. Before it was, maybe, just a bit. But certainly not now. And she doesn’t even have the time. So I lose her. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve done the same, so how can I even fault her for that, or throw blame or judgement or… anything? It’s just not in my hands.

I figured that, coming here into this country, we would only get closer. I was looking forward to it, I was confident it would happen. It’s been the opposite though. And now the inevitable — out of sight, out of mind. So I couldn’t help but just sit and weep, get it out and off of me…

Maybe this is all I get. This quiet, small life. Living in a shared house with others who don’t really know me. Studying, walking, cooking and eating, all by myself, with small shared conversations here and there. The cold air and the chilly wind. An uncertain future and career. Some books, the trees, and the greenery. The students huddled around each other, chatting or walking off to classes. The families walking their dogs in the park. The couples holding hands and heading off to/from a bar. The streets, the smells, the daily sounds and the infinite silences. Maybe it doesn’t get beyond this and this is what my life stays at. I am too small and feeble to have drastic control. And people shouldn’t be controlled, they should be left free. So maybe I just need to make peace with what I have, and stop expecting anything more. Savor everything possible, and then let go. To keep trying to expand and improve my life where I can, yes, but throwing my expectations out the window. I am too small and feeble.

Northern Skies just keeps running through my head. I have it on my phone and mp3 player non-stop, whether I’m studying or cooking or walking. This was the song I started a conversation with M. the last year — back then the song was literal to me, about places, with the peaceful, pictuesque, sombre video and that gentle instrumental section at the end. Now it’s more, it’s about people and things and everything else. It all goes away. I need to be okay with that. I need to make friends with aloneness and silence. After all, we come from dust and return to dust, literally.