November 8, 2017

This place was active from ’10 to ’13 as I, an angry young student back then, ranted about life and talked music/art. A few years later, things have changed — I’m less angry, less judgmental, and just plain old, really. ‘Adult-life’ has arrived, and so wages a new conflict between old dreams and growing up.

Here is where I sketch out my thoughts & memories about this phase of life and mix it up with fiction. All intertwined into each other and indiscernible, and you get to watch. Anything & Everything.


Changing present

November 9, 2017

I’m moving gently, slower. Everything I touch feels cold and fragile, and my touch is tender, almost wary. It’s like everything is brittle and I’m afraid of breaking it, or I’m afraid I myself be the one to break.

A. left again. She had to, she needed to. Too many things going on in her life, things I don’t even know properly about. Too many people, too many projects, too important a dream. One new, important, special person that she’s already found, just weeks into this country. Of course she would’ve, being as gregarious and free-living as she is.. things that come to her both naturally and acquired over the years. After her past, she wanted to be very specific and careful about who she got into a relationship with, someone who wouldn’t leave, someone she was attracted to, someone she saw a future with, concretely. It makes perfect sense.

That means I fall to the wayside. Of course I would’ve, there’s only so much you can balance, there’s only so much energy you can distribute. And there’s only one person who gets your most intimate, most deep self, and that’s not me anymore. Before it was, maybe, just a bit. But certainly not now. And she doesn’t even have the time. So I lose her. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve done the same, so how can I even fault her for that, or throw blame or judgement or… anything? It’s just not in my hands.

I figured that, coming here into this country, we would only get closer. I was looking forward to it, I was confident it would happen. It’s been the opposite though. And now the inevitable — out of sight, out of mind. So I couldn’t help but just sit and weep, get it out and off of me…

Maybe this is all I get. This quiet, small life. Living in a shared house with others who don’t really know me. Studying, walking, cooking and eating, all by myself, with small shared conversations here and there. The cold air and the chilly wind. An uncertain future and career. Some books, the trees, and the greenery. The students huddled around each other, chatting or walking off to classes. The families walking their dogs in the park. The couples holding hands and heading off to/from a bar. The streets, the smells, the daily sounds and the infinite silences. Maybe it doesn’t get beyond this and this is what my life stays at. I am too small and feeble to have drastic control. And people shouldn’t be controlled, they should be left free. So maybe I just need to make peace with what I have, and stop expecting anything more. Savor everything possible, and then let go. To keep trying to expand and improve my life where I can, yes, but throwing my expectations out the window. I am too small and feeble.

Northern Skies just keeps running through my head. I have it on my phone and mp3 player non-stop, whether I’m studying or cooking or walking. This was the song I started a conversation with M. the last year — back then the song was literal to me, about places, with the peaceful, pictuesque, sombre video and that gentle instrumental section at the end. Now it’s more, it’s about people and things and everything else. It all goes away. I need to be okay with that. I need to make friends with aloneness and silence. After all, we come from dust and return to dust, literally.


November 9, 2017

She left again. She had to.

A new(?) beginning

November 8, 2017

It’s been an interesting few days. Some people from HFA reached out or commented on my post (previous blogpost here) to offer support. I was able to have a nice long conversation with one and it helped me be okay on saturday night as I went out buying some winter clothing.

Sunday was difficult again though. Maybe it started again the previous night, on saturday, when I was going to bed. But I had a report due that I had to work on as well. I just stayed in my room, cooped up, grieving and trying to work. It was getting a bit bunch, so I really did go ahead and submit the form for university counselling (I hadn’t on Saturday, can’t fully recall why). They called me up Monday afternoon to decide a time. Tuesday late afternoon it was, then.

Monday changed a few things, at night. My therapist finally reached out to me and had a small conversation on text. We decided to discuss scheduling soon in one of the upcoming days. I was afraid I had lost her.

The person I was grieving over, A, I was getting angrier and angrier at. Selfish of her, I thought. Can’t even be bothered to check in with me, or just say hello. I’m so meaningless in her world now, and it happened so quickly and silently. I decided to just disappear from hers, it was too much and I was too angry.

But that would’ve been selfish too. It would’ve been just like her. I didn’t want to be her. I didn’t want to not try. So I reached out to ask how she’s doing. For all I know I could be imagining things, maybe she was just insanely busy. Or she was sick. Or dealing with a personal crisis. That got the conversation started.

She cleared a lot of things up. Both about the present and the past. Turns out she had noticed I had decided to disappear and had caught my previous post too. She didn’t reach out because she thought I need space.

I conveyed my sense of hurt and loss and she conveyed her sorrow back. Somehow, finally, I felt like things were clearing up. I went to the kitchen for dinner, relieved, lighter. Having a little more fun. I came back and she had more stuff to say. Specifically, that she was seeing someone. Sigh. Already. Of course she found someone, how could she not have. What I had suspected and feared quite some time ago was finally a truth.

But I was still okay. Hurting, stung, yes. But somehow, much better than I’ve been these last many days. Maybe because the emotional distance has been cleared again, finally. Even if the romance is gone.

I went to the university counselor today, Tuesday. Not a whole lot of help, ha. But she did give me some interesting material to look into, and said the door was open if I need it again. And then, with the report deadline having been extended to the midnight, I was off to work on it again and try to finish it off.. whatever crappy shape its in now.

There’s still a lingering sense of loss. It comes and goes. But it’s not as intense anymore. And there’s some happiness too, happiness at having someone valuable back. Even if it’s not in the shape I had hoped to have them back. Because they’re back, in full atleast, finally. As themselves.

I finished the report by midnight and popped over to the kitchen for frozen pepperoni pizza. Ham, so what. I’ve stuffed myself with so much crap this past week. Today too, just lots of chocolate just to stay energized and focused and not feel drowned out. Things change hopefully in a few days, but for now, I reward myself with a midnight snack. E is there, I have a nice conversation with her. Scared here again just by knocking, haha, she’s adorable. And off she goes to sleep while I come back for some music while the pizza bakes in the oven.

Youtube. Search dido. Northern skies it is.

This is the first song I shared with M before we had started talking intensely last year. Where it all began with her, I suppose. It’s such a lovely, heartfelt, humanely-sad song. And that video. And that instrumental end. And dido’s voice and lyrics. Listening/watching it, I feel such an immense sense of peace, coupled with sadness. I lost M. I’ve kinda lost A, parts of her that I perhaps had before. I’ll lose her moreso with time as she focuses her life on the guy she’s now seing and her new home. It happens. People come and then they go. Parents lose their children too, as they grow up, become independent, evolve and change, go out into the world. I can’t help but tear up a bit at it all.

Those ten minutes with the song were probably the most peaceful I’ve had since coming here. This is probably the most peaceful night, post-midnight, I’ve had in a few months at least. It’s quiet and it’s late and it’s mine.

I skip to the next one, Dido’s If I Rise. I go into the kitchen to revisit this gem again, with pizza in my mouth and headphones in my ears. Meditative. I need to start writing shit again.